More out of office email messages

Just when I thought I'd figured out which ones to use, I found this hilarious list:

1. I am on vacation from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy. I will allow each sender one email. If you send me multiple emails, I will randomly delete your emails until it is pared down to one. Choose wisely. Please note that you already sent me one email.
2. I am on paid leave right now for two weeks. When I get back, I will be on paid return. Upon completing my one week of paid return, I will address any issues or questions you have at a pace I am comfortable with.  This is most likely a pace that you will not be comfortable with.
3. I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to a phone and email, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes.
4. I'm out of the office and returning tomorrow, at which time I will promptly delete all of your emails.
5. Hey there, could you give me a call instead? I'd rather deal with this over the phone. If I don't answer, just keep trying. I've been having issues with my phone.
6. I am currently out of the office. I have a cell phone, but I will not be giving it to you. If you can guess the number, I will take your call.
7. I will be out of the office from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy without access to email. If this is an emergency, please call 911.
8. I'm out of the office. If you have immediate questions or concerns, please contact my manager [insert name here]. If your questions or concerns are not immediate, you might want to ask yourself why you emailed me.
9. I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement.
10. I am currently in the office but swamped with work. This work was probably due to something you already requested. If you are sending me another request, go ahead and recall your email now.
11. I am out of the office at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm returning tomorrow.
12. I am currently interviewing for a new job. Upon my return, I hope to give my two weeks notice and never respond to your email.
13. I am away at lunch. You should consider trying it. P.S. - This is not an invitation.
14. Seacrest out.
15. I like balloons and cheese.
16. I am currently out of the office and probably out-of-my-mind drunk.  Enjoy your work week.
17. I am currently in the bathroom dropping a deuce. If this is an urgent matter, it only takes me about 2-3 minutes to take a dump, wipe my butt, properly wash my hands of fecal matter, and return to my desk.  Feel free to stop by my desk later and give me a high five!
18. (For men only) I am currently out of the office on maternity leave.
19. I am in the office but completely incapacitated by the monstrous Chinese buffet lunch I ate earlier today.  It would be best if your questions waited until tomorrow.  Thanks.
20. I am away from the office at this moment.  I will still be away from the office at the next moment and returning at a later moment.  If you have any issues at the current moment, and they cannot wait until a later moment, please contact my manager, who may actually be away at the moment. Moment. Moment.
21. I'm away from my desk right now.  I still have my cubicle, but someone took my desk.  I went looking for it.  I'll respond to you when my desk gets back to my cubicle.
22. (For females only) I'm on vacation through the 23rd.  If you have any questions, issues, or concerns, please feel free to call my colleague [insert name here] while I'm out.  If you're a single guy, good looking, and want to travel to Mexico to have a little "fun", call me at [insert phone number here].
23. I'm out of the office due to a family emergency. Our DVR is on the fritz. I will return to work upon a successful recording of Law & Order SVU on the USA network.
24. At doctor. Peepee like fire.
25. (For man or woman) I decided to take the morning off.  Long story, but I have to drop off Pat O'Brien after an evening of one too many cocktails and copious amounts of booger sugar.  I will respond to your email when I arrive at noon.

Out of office messages

I need to decide which 'out of office' email message to use before I leave for the summer...
Here are some of the best, according to Noah Kagan:

1- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3- Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
4- I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 5/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
7- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8- Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
9- I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10- Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
11- Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
12- I’ve run away to join a different circus.
13- AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of ‘Anthony’.

Which one should I pick? Any other suggestions?

Getting back on the GTD wagon

I've been a big fan of David Allen and his "Getting Things Done" (GTD, for short) book and approach for many years. During the Thanksgiving holiday I decided to embark on a "GTD retreat" to try to get back on the GTD wagon. I was encouraged by David Allen's own admission that even he sometimes falls off the wagon (but quickly gets back on it).

My "GTD retreat" consisted of:

• Watching three Google Tech Talks: one by David Allen, and two by Melvin Mann (from 43 folders) "Inbox Zero" and "Time and Attention"
• Adding a few more GTD-related blogs to my Google Reader. The list now contains (among others): Lifehacker, Zen Habits, GTD Times, and Stepcase lifehack.
• Selecting a Mac/iPhone GTD tool. I picked Things (and am very happy with it so far).
• [Very important] Putting all the knowledge into practice, using Things, GMail, and Zimbra (email+calendar) 

I'll be cleaning up my email (and keeping an Inbox Zero policy) during the next few days. I'm sure that the process of going through thousands of emails will generate material for this blog. Stay tuned...