1. I am on vacation from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy. I will allow each sender one email. If you send me multiple emails, I will randomly delete your emails until it is pared down to one. Choose wisely. Please note that you already sent me one email.
2. I am on paid leave right now for two weeks. When I get back, I will be on paid return. Upon completing my one week of paid return, I will address any issues or questions you have at a pace I am comfortable with. This is most likely a pace that you will not be comfortable with.
3. I will be out of the office and returning next week. I have incredibly easy access to a phone and email, but I assure you, it will not be used for work purposes.
4. I'm out of the office and returning tomorrow, at which time I will promptly delete all of your emails.
5. Hey there, could you give me a call instead? I'd rather deal with this over the phone. If I don't answer, just keep trying. I've been having issues with my phone.
6. I am currently out of the office. I have a cell phone, but I will not be giving it to you. If you can guess the number, I will take your call.
7. I will be out of the office from mm/dd/yyyy to mm/dd/yyyy without access to email. If this is an emergency, please call 911.
8. I'm out of the office. If you have immediate questions or concerns, please contact my manager [insert name here]. If your questions or concerns are not immediate, you might want to ask yourself why you emailed me.
9. I will be away from work for one week while training. When I return, don't expect any improvement.
10. I am currently in the office but swamped with work. This work was probably due to something you already requested. If you are sending me another request, go ahead and recall your email now.
11. I am out of the office at the moment. Unfortunately, I'm returning tomorrow.
12. I am currently interviewing for a new job. Upon my return, I hope to give my two weeks notice and never respond to your email.
13. I am away at lunch. You should consider trying it. P.S. - This is not an invitation.
14. Seacrest out.
15. I like balloons and cheese.
16. I am currently out of the office and probably out-of-my-mind drunk. Enjoy your work week.
17. I am currently in the bathroom dropping a deuce. If this is an urgent matter, it only takes me about 2-3 minutes to take a dump, wipe my butt, properly wash my hands of fecal matter, and return to my desk. Feel free to stop by my desk later and give me a high five!
18. (For men only) I am currently out of the office on maternity leave.
19. I am in the office but completely incapacitated by the monstrous Chinese buffet lunch I ate earlier today. It would be best if your questions waited until tomorrow. Thanks.
20. I am away from the office at this moment. I will still be away from the office at the next moment and returning at a later moment. If you have any issues at the current moment, and they cannot wait until a later moment, please contact my manager, who may actually be away at the moment. Moment. Moment.
21. I'm away from my desk right now. I still have my cubicle, but someone took my desk. I went looking for it. I'll respond to you when my desk gets back to my cubicle.
22. (For females only) I'm on vacation through the 23rd. If you have any questions, issues, or concerns, please feel free to call my colleague [insert name here] while I'm out. If you're a single guy, good looking, and want to travel to Mexico to have a little "fun", call me at [insert phone number here].
23. I'm out of the office due to a family emergency. Our DVR is on the fritz. I will return to work upon a successful recording of Law & Order SVU on the USA network.
24. At doctor. Peepee like fire.
25. (For man or woman) I decided to take the morning off. Long story, but I have to drop off Pat O'Brien after an evening of one too many cocktails and copious amounts of booger sugar. I will respond to your email when I arrive at noon.
More out of office email messages
Just when I thought I'd figured out which ones to use, I found this hilarious list: